It’s the first day of the year.
I started my day with a rude awakening from the videoke a few houses down the block. I had about 4 hours of sleep and I lain there for God Knows How Long, staring at my ceiling. A white diagonal piece of block curved by the shape of our roof. In the center is a single white fluorescent bulb.
I need to change my bulb.
The past few days, people talked about having one blast of a year. I was cornered into reflecting mine. I didn’t celebrate the holidays much because I was constantly thinking. I felt the dirt marks of 2017 that I should have cleaned up, but they were already there. Stained. I felt a progressive sense of humiliation over what people saw, or what I THINK they saw, as I clumsily try to balance a new life.
I don’t think of 2017 as a big year.
I was just whisked from one path to another, out of breath from the last adventure, still consumed by the thoughts of it while I was already halfway a new one. I rolled with it instead. Trying to slay the Showing Up part, remembering that half of what I have to do is to just be there when things are ‘happening’.
Sure, I resigned and went home. But the credits didn’t roll.
After that, a myriad of traveling, some decent success in trading, bouts of meeting new people, and trying out new things.
For some reason, I didn’t feel like I was supposed to pop the champagne. Everything I decided upon in 2017 was not a feast I can sit down to eat.
All I did was set the table. I don’t feel like I lived something extraordinary, or that I had become someone “people want to become”, as I’ve been constantly told.
I’m still confused, overwhelmingly frightened, and too paralyzed to begin things.
It was all a plan. My haircut was even a part of it. Planning is one thing, execution another. I might have aced the plan, but I didn’t follow through as much as I should.
I didn’t go ALL IN, when I thought I acted like I went ALL IN.
Instead, I took a moment.
It was not because I was lazy, but it was because of what it meant.
Life abroad was a perpetual storm. I felt like I was drowning all the time. When I came home, it didn’t dawn on me that this was not another vacation break until sometime. But when it did, it felt like I stood on top of the waters finally able to breathe.
I just wanted to breathe.
Being surrounded by people who had so many goals to accomplish, constantly trying to outdo one another, I was harried into directions I didn’t EVEN want to go to at a pace I didn’t want to run.
Strong personalities are like bold colors trying to seep into each other’s hue. I was losing my identity, retracting and remolding my goals, pressured to ‘arrive’ at a destination I wasn’t gunning for just because they were all wrestling their way there.
I should have known by now to run my own race. That there’s a difference between patience and procrastination, and the seeds I plant bloom at their own phase. Where I’m going isn’t where everyone else is, no matter how much I respect and adore them.
I’m going to create my own legacy.
I wish 2017 was my year.
My feed was exploding with happiness as they talked about how well theirs went. I couldn’t say the same thing, not with the standards I’ve set for myself, but that doesn’t mean it ends here. Everyone has their own time. Mine will come.
I thoroughly enjoyed it though. One of the best things about it was utterly realizing that I didn’t need that much money to be happy. I just needed a moderate amount, with lots of freedom.
I hope I can keep it that way. But how do you become contented while staying hungry?
The danger of upgrading my lifestyle to become happier was something I only used to read about, but now it was a conscious decision to keep my feet on the ground.
The blessings are here but I have to remember how to survive a drought.
I can’t say what 2018 can bring. But damn, will it not be better? Because there is no other way.
I’ve burned the ship that can take me back. If there was a mountain in front of me and the ONLY way forward is climbing it, will I not climb it?
I gave myself no choice but to dig my nails in the dirt and pull myself up. The fire that burned the ship is within me, inside my heart.
I take my last long inhale of the crisp fresh air.
Opened my eyes. Stretched my feet. Got ready to submerge.
Still here and Forever Yours,
I shared this a long time ago around the same time this year. But I need to share it again, if it helps at least just ONE person, then it’s worth it.