Where is Celeste? El Niño (A Journey Update)

Healing is NOT linear.

Nor is it localized to one area, and then the entire system miraculously pulls through.


 

“You have been awfully quiet.”

The stock market has been anemic lately, if any stock flew I was either too late or completely missing it. Now, I’m not saying it’s always like that, but to give you a comparable evidence of how bored traders are, take one look at stock market groups and you’ll see what they’ve decided to talk about. Stock market personalities.

A certain bored number of the pitifully small populace of traders are more excited to check  the latest gossip boards than the day’s top gainers. I have to admit in the beginning, I was pulled in. After all, what do I write about when I have no idea where my audience has been? Eventually, I had to stop. It was a feverish sort of commitment to continually update myself with that toxic culture. I already have enough bad habits to even consider beginning a new one. I  felt my language skills deteriorating and my IQ points at a threat.


 

I went through a break-up. Actually, I still am going through it but at least I can now openly admit it. There’s something utterly embarrassing about failed relationships.

Despite my previous experience of long-term relationships ending, I seem to never have transformed into a graceful swan gliding effortlessly in this ugly situation. I still annoy the very few people I talk to with questions that no longer matter anyway.

You see the problem with break-ups is sometimes you forget your limbs work.

There are days where channeling Billboard top pop stars were a piece of cake and I can make a Beyonce MTV just fine, jamming to Single Ladies at the treadmill, thinking revenge is best served with abs.

But there are days, I’d spend unbelievable hours between my sheets accusing myself of everything, nitpicking my personality and his personality, and embarrassingly— googling for help.

Yes. Googling for help.

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Just in case you’re curious, reddit got an entire subthread on this matter, and misery definitely loves company. For what its worth, whenever I read difficult break-up scenarios from other people across the globe, i’d still like to think that hey, I didn’t have it that bad.

Technically, we never really became a couple (it’s a long story), but to make things simpler, and because I’d rather not explain it, I call him an ex.


 

The first sign of trouble and the major part of why it happened is very shortly summarized into this: I pursued my ambition intensely.

We celebrated when Zee took me as his bastard and I had happily shared what little I knew of the TA I was learning. We both enjoyed the benefits of it. What scanty time I had between work shifts, I was spending on reading charts and writing pieces; However, I made sure that I focused on him when he was there.

The situation began to snowball along with other issues. Somewhere along the long months after the beginning, he was desperately upset over my involvement in ZFT. It was taking too much of my time, he explained, and the pressure to re-gain losses was affecting my mental state. I couldn’t forget what he said, “You lost the spark in your eyes.”

I tried to explain as hard as I could that I was doing my best for our future.

I was constantly being asked to choose between cementing myself as a trader and a writer or relaxing from the responsibilities and  settling. It wasn’t so bad what path we were in– being an OFW and working as employees. Thinking back now, in dark quiet moments of vulnerability or when the wicked sisters of fate lash their whip on me, I succumb to this and think maybe my dreams are just so silly.

Though there was another major mover, I respect him enough not to write about it. Despite everything, I couldn’t think of him as a terrible person.

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In the end,

we had to end.

 

Forever yours,

Celeste

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