One day, late last year, I’ve cut 200,000 pesos worth of money.

 

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I knew what I was supposed to do, even before he said it.

 

In 30 minutes to be exact.Β That was my time limit to let it go.

I had 30 minutes to sell every darn thing.

I’d like to confess something I have not even told the man, Zeefreaks, himself.

Before him, I had no idea about TA. Zero. Absolutely nothing. Nada. Nil.

The day I’ve decided to turn to the technicians was the same day I’ve abandoned everything fundamentalist.

I was too scared he’d find me too much of a challenge to teach.

As an after thought, after giving his instructions, he paused for a second and then was kind enough to provide me music while doing it.

It was Fade by Jakwob.

“Thought I was a together kind of person the type who had it handled
As fate would have it I’m exploding, like a roman candle, oh

And it’s pretty in the sky
Such a beautiful way to die
But I want my sparkle back
Why does it always fade to black?”

One by one, I’ve sold them down. The first to go was TAPET. My average was around the pinnacle of the frenzy. 10 pesos per share that in a few days fell down with such momentum. For 2 days, the price reached floor. 10 pesos devastatingly depreciated to 2 pesos.

I sold it down.
It has not yet recovered ever since.

The next was MAXS. MAXS was fundamentally solid. This is the next JFC!, they said. That year MAXS posted an incredible financial statement and I was convinced. I thought I was safe at a strong lower base so I held on… but the market said otherwise. People took the same opportunity to sell their shares at a high price and soon the sellers overpowered the fundamentalist buyers. My gain turned into a loss.

I sold it down.
The price kept falling for months.
It has not yet recovered back to the same levels.

The next one I’ve decided to deal with was FNI. I hesitated before finally letting it go. The market price was half my average price and I was knee-deep in volume. FNI held 1/4 of my port. It was going to do a turnaround in 2016, according to the gurus, and that nickel moves in leaps and bounds once it decides to do. Only a few months until 2016 now…

I sold it down.
The stock, up to this date, have fell down more times than I can remember and have not recovered ever since.

 

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I sold 3 more stocks, all red, all ipit, all fundamentally sound for whatever reasons I believed in.

22 minutes have gone by. I have never sold down before. I didn’t even understand what the implication was in the charts because I didn’t know how to read them then.

I was left with one stock that had a lot of emotional weight in it. The one I so faithfully held and defended. I didn’t just invest my money on that stock but my emotions and my hopes. A part of my portfolio was money from a relative who wanted to try investing in stocks but claimed she didn’t know how to work these online nonsense us kids do nowadays (pardon, she’s a bit old).

8 minutes left and I was paralyzed. I couldn’t let it go. It was HALF my portfolio. The stock was trading at 6 and I have huge volume left hanging on top at 8. The loss amounted to about 100,000 php. A gigantic number to someone like me who have to work for months for that money.

I messaged him back.

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“Listen”, I told him. “Let this go. Please.”

He didn’t flinch for a second.
“Sell everything.”

I begged. Cried. Pleaded.

All he did was countdown.

7 minutes.

6 minutes.

arya arya

“Please let me keep this.”

He didn’t budge. Give it up. Every thing goes.

And it’s pretty in the sky

5 minutes.

4 mins

 

4 minutes.

“Please.” Heart racing.

you could

Such a beautiful way to die

He was right, I know it. But I couldn’t do it.

3 minutes to go.
2 minutes to go.

But I want my sparkle back

3 mins

 

I sold it.

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Why does it always fade to black?


 

I was given 2 weeks off the market as breathing space. I didn’t do that. I had to cram learn atleast a working knowledge of technical analysis.

I didn’t know what fibonacci was or how to use it, I didn’t understand STS, I didn’t even know how to find the support and resistance. I had a couple of weeks to crash course myself.

Up until he started giving me lessons did I even find out how to properly use charts… I didn’t know there was a charting feature in COL. πŸ™‚ I hid my innocence away and read up on the jargon.


 

Progress obviously came painfully slow. When you had yourself a very tough purging in the middle of a bear market, green profitable trades would have been a beautiful sight.

It wasnt that way for a long time.

By the end of November, I had entered and exit 5 trades. NOT one gave me profit, my port burned more with 7,000 php loss. 7k loss is an upgrade from 200k loss, I’ve decided. I traded flimsily. Low volume and with a lot of emotional anxieties. I’ve even tried to revenge trade a stock and almost immediately regretted it.

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When December came, I still didn’t understand most of my lessons, no matter how much I’ve re-read and Googled. I don’t think I’m stupid but it just wouldn’t get through. I was almost losing focus, I made mistake after mistake. Sometimes, I got so burnt out that I wouldn’t check my port even if I had positions.

ZeeFreaks never gave up on me. πŸ™‚ He was patient and understanding. Often asking how my trades are doing and he didn’t push when I gave vague answers.

I was such an emotional mess. I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to progress. I don’t think I’ve ever quit on anything no matter how tormenting but I was so emotional that I was hurting every progress I ever made too.

It sounded like any teenage girl’s bad break up.

By the end of December, I traded 8 times. Only 2 of which were profitable, and 6 were really bad. I ended up with losing 27,000 pesos more.

I didn’t understand what I was doing or what I was looking at, still. I’ve never felt so blinded in my entire life.

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For every loss, the voices kept talking to me, Give up now.
And I would silence it. Fight it back.

The worst, however, was yet to come.

By January, I was whipsawed terribly by ION and another stock that I was hoping to turn into a superplay. My only 2 trades. Numb and defeated, I counted my total loss. It surmounted to around 40,000 php that month.

What happened?, I wondered. I had 200,000 loss to begin with and it ballooned to 274,000. I didn’t even have the guts to update my blog. I didn’t want to discourage anyone! I was feeling hopeless, desperate, and depressed. My chest felt heavy upon waking up, and nothing would cheer me up for the rest of the day. I went to sleep with my head clouded wondering if I should give up. It felt like every thing I touched would rot, like it was my fault for being there and the stock fell.

I thought nothing would help me and that I should just learn how to live with the life I’m currently trying to escape. I was on the very verge of giving up.

But again, I didn’t.

February, I gave it another shot. Trading only with one board lot each. Too careful, too anxious. I had two trades, both of which I’ve lost.

You would think that maybe I should just walk away, and I confess at that time, I felt the same way too but I was already too much in pain and too involved to quit. I had to get something out of this.

I’m not quitting. It’s not over until I’m done.

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Back then, I remember feeling like a hopeless case. Everything I needed was right in front of me, and yet I couldn’t get it to work for me. I was trying to run full speed, trying to catch up to that elusive piece that would help me understand, help me succeed, help me get it. But my lungs were burning. My calves shooting in pain.

Mental torment is a slow way to die. πŸ™‚

On March, I tried again. I wanted to give it one more shot. One last shot. The last of whatever I have left in me. I was ready to lose more… but intensely praying that I do not. If it was my last attempt, I wanted to make it count. I took my studies more seriously than ever before, reading every single stock’s chart every single night. I ran on 2 hours of sleep juggling work and the stock market. Atleast if physical exhaustion got me, I would have died a fighter, right?

My father would routinely ask me sweetly how my trading has been doing and I couldn’t look at him in the face as I lied. I would either fake a smile or nod in distracted attention. “All good, papa.”

Old, frail papa. I wonder if he really knows what’s going on.

As I get more accustomed to charts, I traded again… With volume.

And then something clicked.

Suddenly, I understand. Like someone took off the blinds and let the sun in. Everything blurred became clear. The storm at sea calmed down, I’m standing at the center of it all. Watching the chaos, finding the way.

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I could see.

Directing my sails.

I could see.

First three trades, I made 80,000 pesos worth of money. In the next 2 trades, I lost 20,000 of that. I was both despairing and pleasantly surprised. I’m still net positive!

Every mistake I made, I studied intensely where I went wrong.

One time, in the middle of March, I bought three stocks that I’ve chosen among all. I cried right after buying them, thinking how much the best of me was in those. The day ended and they closed red… I was shaking hours after the market closed. Doubting myself again.

The next day all three flew.

29 days into March, and I have made 89,000 pesos worth of realized gains with about 15,000 pesos more unrealized profits on 2 incredibly strong, alpha stocks I’m holding.

Recently, I’ve positioned myself in a superstock about to unfold.

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It’s been an incredible journey so far but finally, after months of painful torturous trading days… I could see.

If you’ve only recently decided to give trading a go and have been losing despite your best efforts. I hope I gave you hope.

Please don’t lose hope.

Because finally, I could see.


 

The last stock I tried to ask Zee to let me hold slid down more.
It still has not recovered ever since. πŸ™‚

 

 

Forever yours,
Celeste

 

Hello. πŸ™‚

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